DEALING WITH GRIEF 26

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Children and Divorce – Helping Kids Cope with Separation and Divorce

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope.

A parent’s guide to supporting your child through a divorce

🛑As a parent, it’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through your divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time — and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

🛑There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.

What I need from my mom and dad — a child’s list of wants

🌞I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please text me, write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
🌞Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
🌞I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
🌞Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.
🌞When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
🌞Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Helping children cope with divorce…what to tell your kids

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.

Credits – Amanda Buys

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UNDERSTANDING REJECTION 3

Cancelling out the NEGATIVES.
The first word a child learns is the word “NO”! They hear it 40,000 times by the time they are five years old. In that age bracket of hearing all the negative messages and not hearing positive ones, there is a consistency of negative programming going into the subconscious mind — that programming will always stay with us. That becomes the basis of our reality.

We start out on negatives and then we maybe have something traumatic happen to us that violates our boundaries — we hear the messages from our family, friends and peer group, that are making fun of us and putting us down. By the time we reach puberty, we wonder what is wrong with us, and we fear rejection because of all the negative messages we have heard.

If you hear 1-3 POSITIVE messages a day — you will be able to RECALL them, but it will take some EFFORT to find them in your mind and bring them to your CONSCIOUS memory.

If you hear 3-7 POSITIVE messages a day — they will FILTER through all the NEGATIVE buildup in your SUBCONSCIOUS … but you will be able to RECALL them in your CONSCIOUS mind only when you NEED them.

If you hear 9-11 POSITIVE messages a day — when you need them, they are there and you almost will have to STEP over them to NOT use them!

Did you know?! When we hear 1 NEGATIVE, it takes 7 POSITIVES to neutralize this 1 NEGATIVE!

By the time we are SIXTEEN, we have heard 173,000 NEGATIVE statements about ourselves by our family and peers.
That’s approximately 30 per day!

We hear LESS than 2 POSITIVE statements per day about ourselves by the time we’re SIXTEEN … that’s only 16,000 POSITIVE statements by age SIXTEEN!

And WE tell OURSELVES up to 16 NEGATIVE statements every day — “STUPID!” “You IDIOT!”

It’s like servicing an ALTAR in our lives every day!

There is a lot of rejection that comes against us, making us wonder why are we the ones getting the negative statements. The messages we hear will mark us for a lifetime because they come from the people we trust — and out of the frustration of the people we trust — most of all, our parents who HAVE to love us. Children have this thought inside of them that their parents have to love them — the parents don’t have a choice because I am their child, and they have to love me.

When parents don’t give us the positive growth material we need, and we are disciplined out of negative statements rather than positive — and those messages are so plain to us on the subconscious level — we draw a bottom-line of all of these negative statements and conclude — “I am not worthy of acceptance, I am not worthy of making my own decisions, I am not worthy of love, I am not worthy of learning and knowledge”, and so forth.

A child develops through curiosity that loads the computer with knowledge, and the mind keeps on questioning — why, why, WHY?

If they are operating in the three senses of the audio, the visual and the feeling orientation, they have to touch everything because touch is the knowledge of a new sensation. For example, marble is slippery and smooth, the carpet is fluffy, and so forth. Everything feels differently.

We take these things for granted as adults, but a young child learns those things through asking questions, verbalization, and getting answers in the audio channel, and touching and feeling things — what is normal to the small child is a pain in the butt for us parents/adults.

For example — you follow the child around all day long keeping things from being broken. A child, being compartmentalized, picks up one thing — when he sees something else, he drops what he had in his hand and picks up the next thing in his sight. What he had in his hand is now broken, but he has no idea what is going on.

When we were raised in homes where we were not allowed to grow and learn, then we get the constant message we are not worth the effort to learn and to expand our knowledge and to be normal. These messages go into the violation section under the column called REJECTION. We then have to learn as adults how to neutralize and how to reprogram the subconscious.

GOD created us UNIQUE. That EACH of us are PRECIOUS, with a PLAN and a PURPOSE. That we know HIS LOVE, live in JOY, and find TRUTH!

REJECTION and SELF-rejection keeps us in SHAME and UN-worthiness … we CAN’T receive LOVE!

Credits – Amanda Buys

Adultery, masturbation and sexual PERVERSIONS 2

A word on sexual perversions.
Sexual perversions cause you to become CALLOUS. Continual pornography and/or masturbation will cause your body NOT to respond to “NORMAL” stimulation. The callousness can become so bad that it could take two/three women, vibrators, etc. for days at a time, in order to have an orgasm.

You will need MORE and MORE to experience pleasure. You will NUMB both your body AND your brain on the subconscious AND conscious levels, because of the excessive SELF-ABUSE.
GOD has designed COVENANTAL intimacy so that the older you get, and the more you BOND, the greater the orgasm. The WORLD seeks pleasure in un-Godly sexual practices, which have to become more PERVERTED in order to feel more pleasure.

Why does the PERVERSION eventually involve pain? Research has proven that if any form of pain is intense enough, the body spontaneously ejaculates to nullify the PAIN.

EXAMPLES include death by electrocution, hanging, etc. Men doomed for the electric chair will have an orgasm when they pull the switch. The same for a man being hung to death — the body will ejaculate trying to nullify the pain as death is eminent. Young people tie a rope/belt around their necks, and almost suffocate to the point of orgasm — this level of orgasm becomes euphoric. Young people have been found hanging up in closets with pornography books on the floor and sperm all over the place — and the young man is dead.
They had no control and could not release the strap/rope around their neck —they were looking for the euphoric ultimate, ultimate orgasm.

Such severe PAIN situations can cause a spontaneous ORGASM. Again, the body is trying to neutralize the pain with the release of endorphins.

Satan is chasing them on by saying there is something more out there, something greater out there — there is greater high — there is a better looking blonde, someone with bigger breasts — another one with better looking sexual area, and so it carries on — enough is never enough.
As you become more and more callous, and depend on more and more perversities for greater pleasure — you will eventually end at sadomasochism.

For example, a person will be tied down with handcuffs and chains — tied to a bed or hung on a wall. One person will be stimulating with masturbation, and another person will take a surgical knife and then cut the meat of the thighs or the other sensitive areas of the body, to the point that the pain is so great, that the body will release through orgasm.

This is why PAIN is involved in PERVERTED sexual practices — whips, handcuffs, chains, cutting … all in the chase for THAT orgasm, because the body has become so NUMB.

As disgusting as it may sound, that’s what is happening because many have taken the ungodly way to sexual satisfaction.

Credits – Amanda Buys

DATING, COURTSHIP, SEXUALITY, AND GOD’S PLAN FOR MARRIAGE 4

Pornography
Pornography is an INDICATOR of ARRESTED development and CHILDHOOD wounds.

Pornography must be AVOIDED because it also creates sexual IMPRINTING.

It creates desires for CERTAIN body types, for PERVERTED sexual practices, and often leads to MASTURBATION.
Pornography is ANYTHING that you can visually see — either in magazines, books, movies, videos,on the internet, cell phones or computer games that depict other people in a SEXUAL nature. It can ALSO be what you hear through things like music, movies, or videos.

Pornography allows you to be sexually stimulated WITHOUT the responsibilities or RISKS of a relationship. A centre-fold in amagazine or a poster on a wall cannot REJECT you. It’s about INSTANT gratification — I want it NOW!

In ARRESTED development, we always want something NEW. We buy a new car and then want another NEW CAR … like a CHILD wanting more toys – only TOY CARS are much cheaper than the real deal.

Relationship and intimacy takes WORK, sacrifice, COMMITMENT, and COMMUNICATION. If I’m an ADULT, I see value in my WIFE and am willing to INVEST in her completely, and BOND with her in every area — emotionally, SPIRITUALLY, sexually, being able to take a RISK and be VULNERABLE. A wife does the same for her husband out of choice, not out of co-dependency. It is a true desire to connect in every area.

When I’m ARRESTED, building relationships in MARRIAGE becomes a curse and a BURDEN to me.

PORNOGRAPHY is a SHORT CUT to sexual gratification … but comes with a HEAVY PRICE.
How does porn WORK?

🛑Our minds will create a situation any way the IMAGINATION will allow it. You can make a PICTURE or FANTASY anything you want it to become. You can look at the picture and the mind has the ability to animate it.
Though you may have 100 porn films and 300 magazines, your mind will focus ONLY on a FEW of these — and will become HOOKED on these. The same with the magazines — out of your whole collection, you will have about 10-15 magazines with certain pictures in each one, because the mind comes to ownership of what we fantasize about.

🛑The body RESPONDS to the FANTASY, and the FANTASY to the mind becomes REALITY. It is REAL to the SUBCONSCIOUS. Jesus says:
Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who so much as LOOKS at a woman with EVIL desire for  her has already committed adultery with her in his HEART.

The mind CANNOT tell the difference between REALITY and FANTASY. 

🛑SEX and SEXUAL pleasure (masturbation) is SUPER-GLUE, and will BOND you to whatever you’re receiving pleasure from.

🛑Pornography also creates DISSATISFACTION with the REALITY of life. People who have been imprinted sexually with pornography are usually NEVER HAPPY or  SATISFIED in a normal COVENANT sexual relationship, unless they are HEALED.

🛑MANY times pornography depicts PERVERTED sexual acts. It is a LIE to say I can look at pornography NOW, but when I get married I will stop … it will STILL affect you. You will either keep looking at it and HIDE it because of your SHAME, Or you will be frustrated and resentful that your COVENANT relationship is not meeting the WRONG desires that are in you.

Credits – Amanda Buys

RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 23 – Sexually deviant behaviour cont’d

MASTURBATION
First of all what is it?
It’s when you stimulate yourself physically to the point of orgasm.

Is it sin? Many people argue whether masturbation is sin or not because it is not specifically mentioned in the Bible.

It’s easy to tell.
✔️Do you feel ashamed?
✔️Is it something you would be comfortable sharing in front of your church?
✔️Do you really want your co workers to know?
✔️If it’s okay, then why do you go to such great lengths to cover it up?

Because deep down, you are ashamed, no matter how hard you try to tell yourself that it is okay. Shame is always the result of sin and masturbation is accompanied by shame.

Whenever we are ashamed of something, we will hide it and do it in secret. That’s a pretty good indicator that masturbation is sin. Even in marriage, most people hide it from their husband or wife because they know it is wrong.

There are several reasons why you should avoid masturbating. One of the reasons is that it can become addicting. Because it brings a physical release and even releases chemicals in the brain, you can find your desire to do it increasing. After a while, whenever you feel upset or tense, you will find a desire to masturbate. We will talk more about sexual addiction in the subsequent posts.

Most teenagers think that they can masturbate and when they get married they will just stop. That is a lie. Many adults still struggle with masturbation in their marriage. It is how they were sexually imprinted and until that imprinting is cleansed that desire is there.

If it becomes an addiction as a teenager, whenever circumstances are tense or upsetting, you will have a desire to masturbate even if you are having regular sexual intercourse with your husband or wife.

How does masturbation hurt marriage?
☑️It causes your partner to feel like they are not enough. It makes them feel that something is wrong with them and creates feelings of rejection.
☑️Also, the Word of God tells us not to withhold our bodies from each other unless agreed upon for a time of fasting. Masturbation allows us to get mad and stay mad at each other because we can meet our sexual needs on our own.
When masturbation is not an option, then we have to forgive each other and make up because we need each other. Masturbation says, “I really don’t need you.”

I [Amanda Buys] have ministered to people who discovered their spouses masturbating on their honeymoon. They were devastated.

Can you imagine how that would feel? Can you imagine how the marriage started off? Please do not lie to yourself and say that your masturbation does not affect your spouse.

That simply is not true. You are perverting sexual energy. It is also a reflection of other issues in your life – self-centeredness, narcissism, immaturity, and control issues usually go hand and hand with a masturbation addiction.

Credits – Amanda Buys

RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 22 – Sexually deviant behaviour cont’d

Moving on…….

RAPE

Many victims of rape end up in degrading relationships, re-creating the rape over and over.

Or they use alcohol and drugs and put themselves in a state where they do not have self control.  Through the effects of drugs and alcohol, they re-create the rape.

Because of the sexual imprinting they continue to seek relationships and situations where they are over-powered.

They are unable to say “no”.

You may wonder why anyone on earth would want to do that. The power of sexual imprinting is very strong. Healing must take place, boundaries must be restored, they must take back their “no” which was stolen from them, their value has to be redeemed.

Once again there are different levels of imprinting and subsequently different levels of ministry. Nonetheless All rape is a violation at the deepest level.

But there will be a difference:
🔹if the individual was a virgin and it was there first time experience;
🔹if they have had good healthy sex within the boundaries of marriage and then experienced rape;
🔹if the rape was by someone they knew or by a stranger;
🔹if it was date rape;
🔹if there was other violence involved; etc.

Rape victims have to deal with the *feeling of being unprotected by God – Where was He? Why didn’t He intervene?

At times they deal with false guilt:
▪️Did I do anything to bring it on?
▪️Was it what I was wearing?
▪️Why was I so stupid to open the door?

If they proceed through legal processes, they may have frustration and anger at the legal system.
🔸Why did they get off so easy?
🔸I’m the one who was raped and yet it feels like I’m the one on trial.
🔸What about their release day, from that day on, I’ll know they are still out there.

Besides areas of sexual imprinting, there are areas of fear, anger, frustration and other emotional areas that will need ministry.

As in the area of sexual abuse, a spouse must be very understanding and allow healing to come before requiring them to immediately re-enter into a sexual relationship.

You can’t look at it as rejection, if your spouse just had surgery, would you jump on the hospital bed and demand sex? Well, maybe if you were a sex addict, but not normally. You would allow time for healing.

Credits – Amanda Buys

HALLUCINATIONS

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Like one in a trance,
I latched onto her hand like a tick,
I could swear I had seen something ooze out of my hand,
It was so gross that I could not take this sight,
Essy, took it upon herself to shake me back to life,
it was then that I realized the scene I’d created,
and how my eyes had played tricks on me

Ooze, lurch, trance

 

image source: thecut.com