DEALING WITH GRIEF 28 Divorce And Children cont’d

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How much information to give

😶Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you’ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.

😐Be age-aware. In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.

🤔Share logistical information. Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don’t overwhelm them with the details.

😯Keep it real. No matter how much or how little you decide to tell your kids, remember that the information should be truthful above all else.

Helping children cope with divorce … listen and reassure.
👪Support your children by helping them express emotions, and commit to truly listening to these feelings without getting defensive. Your next job is reassurance — assuaging fears, straightening misunderstandings, and showing your unconditional love. The bottom line: kids need to know that your divorce isn’t their fault.

👶🏾Help kids express feelings.

👧🏽For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings.

👦🏽Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.

🧒🏽Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.

🧑🏽Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.

👩🏾Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.
Credits – Amanda Buys

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DEALING WITH GRIEF 27 Divorce And Children cont’d

What to say and how to say it
 
😪Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest — but kid-friendly — explanation.

😌Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.

❤️Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.

❇️Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.

☹️Avoid blaming.

🌞It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.

🤗Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce — and stick to it.

👍Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.

✅Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.

Credits – Amanda Buys

DEALING WITH GRIEF 26

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Children and Divorce – Helping Kids Cope with Separation and Divorce

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope.

A parent’s guide to supporting your child through a divorce

🛑As a parent, it’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through your divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time — and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

🛑There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.

What I need from my mom and dad — a child’s list of wants

🌞I need both of you to stay involved in my life. Please text me, write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of questions. When you don’t stay involved, I feel like I’m not important and that you don’t really love me.
🌞Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty.
🌞I want to love you both and enjoy the time that I spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
🌞Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don’t have to send messages back and forth.
🌞When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don’t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
🌞Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.

Helping children cope with divorce…what to tell your kids

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.

Credits – Amanda Buys

DEALING WITH GRIEF 18

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Grief ministry to CHILDREN.

It is important that we support and help our children deal with their grief properly (watch http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=foOHvyv9CVI).

Learning to mourn, and to be comfortable with the grieving process, might not seem like a parenting skill. But grief is a part of every life, and how we handle loss has a huge impact on the richness of our family’s emotional life. Our comfort level with loss also gives our children an important role model.

At times, there will be nothing we can do for our child except to sit with him and let him experience his grief — over a sports defeat, an inconsiderate peer, a dead pet, or even an ill or deceased loved one.

To work through his grief, our child needs what therapists call a “holding environment,” and we are the ones who do the holding, both physically and emotionally. If we are so uncomfortable with loss that we cannot allow our child to mourn, we give a destructive message that is far reaching. Accepting loss as a normal part of life is important for optimal mental health for all of us. The more we allow ourselves to grieve when necessary, the more joy we can feel.

Thankfully, grief is never interminable. Like all feelings, if we let ourselves feel it, grief swamps us, and then, eventually, diminishes. Not that grief ever disappears, but we can think of it as a slice of the pie of our lives — at first an important loss pervades the entire circle of our life, but gradually the slice of our life in shadow becomes smaller and smaller. Eventually, we can go on with our lives in a healthy way, although we may always revisit the pain of our loss. But if we fend it off like an unwelcome visitor, grief doesn’t leave. It takes up residence like a shadow in our psyches, and we become stuck in its bitter influence. Unresolved grief compromises resiliency, threatening to burst out at even minor provocations, leaving us fragile and prone to depression.

Our children, therefore, not only need to grieve sometimes, but need our help to do so. Give children ongoing opportunities to ask questions and to talk about their loss. Create large and small practical exercises of remembrance, and to honor the deceased and help them keep them alive in your child’s heart. As the months go by, make a point of mentioning the lost loved one’s name in conversation when appropriate. Don’t insist that your child grieve when he or she is trying to be happy, but don’t act as if the loss didn’t happen, either.

Be aware that children grieve differently from adults. They need ROUTINE that offers safe space for grieving, and then a defined end point so they can play again and go on with their lives without guilt. The kids who successfully live through loss are the ones who find ways to feel connected to the person they’ve lost AND to go on with their lives. Even children experiencing severe losses need time off from grief.

They need safe space, such as school, where they will not be reminded of their loss and can forget for a time. They need to hear that we are there for them when they want to talk, and they need us to normalize talking about the loss, but they also need our permission to go on with their lives.

Credits – Amanda Buys

RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 47 – Protecting Our Children

No doubt, any type of abuse is terrible, but sexual abuse is one of the most destructive. I [Amanda Buys] am thankful, my children were older before I began to do as much ministry as I have in this area.

From what I have heard, it would have been hard to let them out of my sight. So many children have been abused by trusted family members, neighbors or members of the community. Who do you trust? We must protect and educate our children.

My answer is the Lord! In this society, you must trust your God given discernment. If you sense anything or anyone makes you uncomfortable. Explore it. Watch your children. Ask them questions.

If adults or teenagers seem unnaturally interested in your children, be careful. They may begin buying them gifts or wanting to take them places a lot of times.

It takes discernment to know when someone is just reaching out to a child and if they are just luring them in to a relationship in order to molest them. I would rather error by protecting the child in these circumstances. Again, ask them questions.

Because of the condition of our society, we must begin to teach our children at a very young age that there are certain parts of their bodies that other people should not touch. We need to encourage them to tell us if anyone is touching them in those areas.

Empower their “no” let them know that it is their body and if someone touches them and they don’t like it to tell them to stop.

 Example 1:
A little 2 year old girl is asked for a hug. It is totally innocent but she says “No” and pulls away. They try to pull her towards them for a hug.

⛰As parents, we must immediately step in and say “Please respect her ‘No'” – even if it wasn’t meant to be sexual or harmful. We empower our children when we respect them.

⛰We need to watch for symptoms; a change in personality or disposition, crying when they are left in someone’s care (sometimes it is just separation anxiety). However, if their behaviour changes, be alert.

Example 2
They used to love going to grandpa’s house and now they don’t want to go. They flinch when grandpa hugs them.

🌋Watch for the signs and then ask questions. Has anybody touched them wrong? Has anybody done anything that made them feel bad or uncomfortable? Suddenly they are quieter than normal, why?

Most people I have ministered to tried to let someone know that something was happening to them. They just couldn’t do it by talking. Most of the times, they have been sworn to silence and secrecy.

Example 3
They couldn’t figure out how come Mom didn’t see or why their teachers couldn’t tell what was happening.

🌋Sometimes we don’t want to see, we are in denial or sometimes we don’t even know what to look for.

Other symptoms may be:
🎈bed wetting,
🎈physical symptoms like urinary tract infections,
🎈bleeding from the rectum,
🎈unusual rashes on their legs.

🎀If there seems to be a regression in their emotional development, ask questions.

🎀All of a sudden they have started sucking their thumb again or biting their nails. Why?

So many times parents just get caught up in trying to stop the behaviour, they don’t take time to find out why it’s there. It’s the same thing with children, get to the root and you will change the fruit.

🎀Give your children healthy, Godly physical affection so they will not have to find it in illegitimate ways. There are more promiscuous girls simply because Daddy never took the time to hug them and make them feel good about themselves. It left a hole that they keep trying to fill.

We need touch as human beings. Studies have shown that even animals left untouched do not thrive, they can even die. I have seen a lot of incest in homes where affection was not expressed. The children turn to each other for physical touch and it gets out of hand.

🎀Protect your children by monitoring what they watch on television and movies. Access to the Internet is extremely dangerous without some sort of protection programs.

Many elementary age children and teenagers are looking at pornography in the privacy of their homes. If you do not have a protection program, check the computer history or disable the computer until you are home to monitor their activity.

🎀Talk to your children about sexual issues at age appropriate times. Don’t wait for the school or their friends to do it for you.

Again because of our society, what used to be talked about at ages 14 and 15 probably needs to be discussed at age 12 and 13. You have to judge the maturity level of your child. Just don’t underestimate it.

They will find out about sex one way or another. You can control wrong messages with proper information.

🎀If you work with children in any capacity, as a teacher, youth leader, coach, etc. and see any signs of sexual abuse, ask questions. Often they are just waiting for someone to open the door. Follow proper channels as laid out by the authorities in the institution where you are working and contact the appropriate people.

IF A CHILD HAS REPORTED SEXUAL ABUSE, UNDER LAW IT MUST BE REPORTED IMMEDIATELY.

🎀We also protect our children through practicing modesty in our homes and keeping them free from pornography. I can’t tell you how many adults I have ministered to who knew exactly where their parents’ stash of pornography was.

Don’t look the other way. We have looked the other way too long. Let’s start protecting our children!

Credits – Amanda Buys

RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 39 – Assignments

We have looked at several Strongholds that give the enemy a foothold in our lives. If there is something that you didn’t quiet get, please go back and read that bit before taking on the assignment.

There is no need to rush through any assignment, the most important thing is to get delivered.

Assignments on Breaking the Strongholds:

⛳️Make a list of the people the Lord shows you to forgive. They may even be unrelated to the sexual damage.
⛳️Any unforgiveness can block our healing. Pour out your complaint to the Lord. (see Psalm 149) Talk to the Lord about how you were affected by what they did.

Then speak forgiveness out loud.
Example: Lord You are showing me my brother. When he made me take my clothes off and he examined me as a child, it made me scared. I have been scared of men ever since. I felt ashamed and it has made me uncomfortable every time I have had to take my clothes off in front of my husband. But Lord by Your grace, I choose to forgive him for everything he did and for all the effects it had on me.

This may have to be done over a period of time, depending on how much the Lord shows you.

Spirit and Soul Ties

Next make a list of people, places or things you could have an ungodly spirit and soul tie with and then pray.

Lord, I break all agreements with and renounce all ungodly spirit and soul ties with (insert who / what the Lord shows you).

I receive forgiveness for any illicit sexual relationships, and I rebuke any curses of the enemy that have reinforced these spirit-soul ties.

Lord I receive restoration for any areas of my spirit and soul that were stolen from me or that I gave away when I shouldn’t have.

I loose myself now from all ungodly spirit and soulish relationships and I submit myself to Your Holy Spirit.

Remember we can have a spirit and soul tie with alcohol, drugs, masturbation, pornography, our perpetrator and even our own pain. Allow God to examine this area for you.

Generational Sin

🏝Read the following scriptures.
2 Corinthians 7:1,
Leviticus 26:39-42,
Exodus 20:4-5,
Nehemiah 9:2,
Isaiah 61:4,
Colossians 2:14,
Galatians 3:13.

🏝Ask the Lord to show you areas of generational sin. Right now, we want to focus on those related to sexual sins, addictions and occult.
🏝Make a list and then pray through the following five steps. Later you can work on other areas, if you choose.
🏝Repent and receive forgiveness for the sin from the Lord.
🏝Forgive your parents, grandparents and ancestors for their sins in this area and get in touch with how their sins affected you.
🏝Receive forgiveness for your own involvement (be specific) and for any ungodly emotions that you have had.
🏝Forgive yourself for your involvement.
🏝Then renounce and break agreement with all of these sins, curses, and any demonic influence.

Example:
Lord, I receive forgiveness for the sin of incest and sexual abuse for myself and my ancestors.

I forgive my parents, grandparents and ancestors for their sins of incest and sexual abuse and for how it affected me by causing my father to be sexually abused and then he in turn molested me. It’s caused me not to trust men and I’ve been unable to express or receive affection. It also created family secrets. No one ever talked about anything. Conversation was just surface.

Lord, I receive forgiveness for my involvement in this area and any ungodly emotions I have had. I have never actually done anything but I have had incestuous thoughts. I have participated in the family’s code of silence. I’ve also been very angry and bitter, but I now receive forgiveness for this.

I forgive myself for my involvement. Even though I hated what was happening as a child, at times I enjoyed the special attention and gifts I received from my father and I forgive myself.
I renounce and break agreement with these sins and curses of incest and sexual abuse and all demons of lust, perversion, defilement, shame, uncleanness, incest, abuse, anger, mistrust,unforgiveness and bitterness. I rebuke, bind and cast out all these demons from my life in Jesus name!

By the power of the Holy Spirit, I release God’s anointing and the grace to forgive as you walk through this process.

As you go through the steps, you will begin to feel lighter and lighter, the weight of generational sin is being removed. Hallelujah!

This process may also take some time. Don’t rush it. Allow the ministry of the Lord to take place.

Ungodly Beliefs

Make a list of the ungodly beliefs the Lord shows you. Here are some more examples:
📌Sex is dirty.
📌You can’t be spiritual and sexual.
📌God created me the wrong sex, I should have been a boy/girl.
📌Men have it better.
📌Women have it better.
📌It’s okay to demand physical affection from my husband and get angry if he becomes sexually stimulated.
📌It’s okay to masturbate or use pornography to have my sexual needs met.
📌If I really communicate with my spouse regarding sexual issues, they will feel rejected. It’s best to just shut up and put up.
📌It’s okay to flirt with the opposite sex as long as you are not going to do anything serious.
📌My sexual appetite cannot be satisfied in marriage.
📌My spouse should satisfy me sexually whenever and however I need it, regardless of how they feel.
📌I am damaged and will never be able to fully enjoy sex.
📌God made a mistake when He created sex. If I can’t have sex, I have to masturbate.
📌It’s okay to masturbate as long as I don’t think about other women.
📌It’s okay to look at pornography as long as we do it together if I really let go and enjoy myself sexually, I am a bad girl/boy.
📌As long as l don’t hurt anyone, what I do sexually is up to me.

Some of them may apply, some may be modified or the Holy Spirit can show you ones you don’t even know you have. Then walk through the following steps for each one.

Prayer
Lord I forgive the people (list their names) who helped me form the ungodly belief that (read the ungodly belief) by (what did they do).

Lord I receive forgiveness for believing this lie, and by walking in agreement with it by (how you have sinfully acted or felt because of the lie you believed).

Lord, I now forgive myself for believing this lie.

Lord, I break all agreements with this lie and any of the associated demons. I rebuke, bind and cast out these demons in Jesus name.

Now I choose to believe that… (establish a new Godly belief that aligns with scripture).

Write down the new Godly belief and meditate on it several times a day until transformation takes place. Do it for a minimum of 40 days. However, it could take a year or more but it’s worth it!

Example of Prayer:
Lord, I forgive my father, my boyfriends, Tom and Bill, and my husband for helping me form the ungodly belief that “You can’t trust men.”

By my father sexually touching me inappropriately and always making sexual jokes and comments that made me uncomfortable.

By Tom and Bill pressuring me to have sex as a teenager and Bill for cheating on me with my best friend.

By my husband keeping things from me and by telling me he just wants to hold me and then pressuring me sexually when I’ve already told him I was tired.

Lord, I receive forgiveness for believing this lie and by walking in agreement with it and not giving men a chance.

I really have hated men deep down inside and I think I’ve even been mad at You for creating them. I have been prejudiced against men and have believed that all men were the same. I wasn’t even able to trust my pastor or even receive when men preached Your Word. I’ve held bitterness and unforgiveness in my heart.

I’ve been a perfectionist in keeping my house clean in order to avoid intimacy with my husband. I forgive myself for believing this lie. I renounce this lie and break agreement with all demons associated with it.

From this day forth, I choose to believe that, “When You created men, You created a good thing and I by the Holy Spirit, I have the discernment to know which men I can truly trust and to what degree.

I now receive Your instruction on how to love men.” In Jesus name, AMEN.

Deliverance

📍Make a list of any demonic spirits that could have come in from any of the above areas.

Here are lists of some common ones listed by strongholds. But please allow the Lord to show you any other areas of deliverance that you may need. This is just a sample.

Stronghold of Sexual Sins
Lust. Perversion. Fornication. Molestation. Sexual abuse. Rape. Adultery. Illegitimacy. Incest. Defilement. Uncleanness. Masturbation. Homosexuality. Sodomy. Lesbianism. Pornography. Harlotry. Seduction.

Stronghold of the Occult
Religious spirits. Superstition. Masonic. Anything from Indian ancestry. Witchcraft. Rebellion. Fear. Death. Transcendental meditation. Premature death. Mental illness. Accidents. Reincarnation. Spiritualism. Anything from occult movies or books. False gods or religions. Divination (examples: horoscopes, palm reading, water witching, tarot cards)

Stronghold of Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness. Anger. Bitterness. Judgment. Condemnation.

Stronghold of Shame
Shame. Unworthiness. Condemnation. False guilt. Self-accusation.

Stronghold of Addictions and Escape drugs
Alcohol. Computer. Reading. Sleeping. Eating. Television. Passivity. Dissociation.

Stronghold of Deception
Deception. Lying. Denial. Secrecy. Self-deception. Avoidance. Minimising. Justification. Rationalisation.

Now simply renounce and break agreement with the list you have made and then begin to cast them out in the Name (authority) of Jesus Christ. You can do this alone or have a ministry partner.

Example: I renounce and break agreement with the stronghold of shame and the demons ofunworthiness, false guilt and condemnation. I command you to leave in the Name of Jesus. I cast you out of my mind, emotions and body in Jesus name.

Keep declaring until you feel a release. If something seems to be blocking it from leaving, ask the Lord what the blockage is, and He will be faithful to show you. The Word of God says that when we cast out demons the Kingdom of God comes upon us.

Matthew 12:28 But if it is by the Spirit of God that I drive out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you.

We know that the Kingdom of God is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Ghost. The Lord loves deliverance.

He loved setting people free while He was on the earth and He still loves it when we exercise His authority and people are loosed from demonic oppression. He will manifest Himself as a Man of War on our behalf.

The Holy Spirit will be faithful to give you discernment and direction. Call upon the Spirit of Might, (Isaiah 11:2) and rise up in your authority as a believer and you will surely possess the victory!!!

Isaiah 11:2 The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him – the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,the Spirit of counsel and of might, the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord

May you allow the Lord to walk with you through it all so that you will receive total healing. Blessings

Credits – Amanda Buys

THE TRAIN MOVES ON…..

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We have looked at several topics in previous topics and my prayer is that our lives continue to be changed by them.

In the next posts, we look at a topic that many have a misconstrued perception about;Restoring Your Sexuality.

Happy learning!

Happy parenting!

Image source – this is money.co.uk