GOD’s dream for MARRIAGES 4

Picking up from the previous post………

Sexual abuse victims have to walk through forgiveness in FIVE main areas:
🛑The PERPETRATOR (the individual/s who abused them).
🛑The PROTECTORS (those that should have known or protected them).
🛑SELF — often they are mad at themselves that they didn’t fight back, or maybe their bodies responded to it and they are angry at themselves).
🛑GOD — even though we are not in a position to forgive GOD, often people have to recognize they have been angry with GOD, for instance, “GOD, why didn’t You stop it? ”
“How could You let that happen to me? ” “Where were You GOD? Why didn’t You answer my prayers?” They have to REPENT for their anger towards GOD and release their unforgiveness.
🛑RE-VICTIMIZERS — those that have re-victimized them because they minimized the abuse and didn’t believe them.

BOUNDARIES and sexual abuse.
Whenever a child has been VIOLATED sexually, their sexual boundaries have been BROKEN down. This often affects their ability to have HEALTHY boundaries in other areas. Their “NO” has been taken away from them.

Whenever a person has had their boundaries VIOLATED and BROKEN as a child, one of TWO things will occur:
❤️Either they will become a person with WALLS. They will have difficulty letting anyone come in to their life.
❤️Or they will have NO boundaries whatsoever. ANYTHING can come in at any time, good or bad.
Healthy boundaries give us the ABILITY to allow certain things to come in to our lives that are GOOD for us, along with the ability to say “NO” to other things.
FRIGIDITY is an example of walls. Nothing can come IN. PROMISCUITY is an example of NO boundaries, anything can come in.
The sexually abused victim will have to restore both their ability to have healthy boundaries, and the boundary lines themselves.

HEALTHY boundaries. What are boundaries?
✅These are invisible PROPERTY lines that define your responsibility. GOD is in the circle with you and HE can help you.
✅They are the BASIS of personal identity, and DEFINE what is me and what is NOT me.
✅Defines where I STOP and others start.
✅Determines WHO I AM and for what I am responsible for – MY emotions, MY spirit, MY attitude, MY needs, MY motivations, MY behavior, MY choices and consequences, MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY dreams and goals, MY sexuality, MY beliefs, MY fears, MY opinions, MY interests and abilities.

How do you develop healthy boundaries?
Start with YOUR circle. You don’t have to wait on anyone else.
❇️FREEDOM comes from taking responsibility. BONDAGE and slavery comes from giving it away. You can’t make anyone else CHANGE, you can ONLY change yourself. You can only grow so that their behaviour no longer works on you.
❇️SHIFT from control to influence.
OWN your emotions. You are NEVER just angry. You are always angry ABOUT something. When we are HURT, we use anger to defend ourselves. Anger is a secondary, defensive emotion. Hurt is a VULNERABLE emotion. We must be careful of a victim mindset.

VICTIM mindset says: “Why do they keep doing this to ME?” The truth is, they are not the ones who keep doing it to you. They keep doing it to you because you LET them.

How do you test if you are acting out of a “victim mindset”?
🌻Determine whether the SOURCE of your problem is outside of you, and you are helpless, or if the source is truly from others’ actions.
🌻LEARN to be sensitive to how you SAY things so that you HONOR boundaries. Use “I” statements, NOT “you” statements.
YOU make me mad, sad, glad …”
YOU should …”
“I don’t want to tell you what you should do because that then makes ME responsible ”
The correct way would be: “You might want to consider this …”

Credits – Amanda Buys

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GOD’s dream for MARRIAGES 3

Gift of ATTRACTION in marriage.
Keep in mind, the gift of ATTRACTION does not go away when you are married. You will find other people attractive. As a MARRIED person in a COMMITTED relationship, we find around every SIX MONTHS somebody will cross your path that’s pretty neat. What that tells you is that everything is working — you are NORMAL.

WARNING – It is what you do with this attraction that MATTERS. If you don’t ENTERTAIN this, it will DIMINISH in THREE DAYS (or 72 hours) … GUARANTEED. If you will not play with it, and not FANTASIZE about it, in 72 hours, the gift of ATTRACTION will just pass by.
This 72-hour rule is taken from the WORD. Jesus was in the tomb for THREE days (72 hours) and rose again.

Sexual DAMAGE.
What is behind all the LUST and PERVERSION in the world? We need to have a look at Genesis.
GOD promised Adam and Eve that the Messiah would come, born of a WOMAN, and that HE would crush satan’s head. Satan hates MANKIND and has made it his purpose to DESTROY men and women.
He has also TARGETED the way in which the MESSIAH would come — through the BIRTH CANAL. He HATES the very birth canal that our REDEMPTION came through. That is WHY there is such SEXUAL perversion in the world.

Sources of sexual damage:
🌻The lack of MODESTY can cause sexual damage — it would be called a ‘level one’ form of sexual abuse.
🌻Sexual damage and SHAME can be caused simply from having played doctor with the next door neighbour as a child.
🌻Children sleeping in their parent’s bed or room, past the first several months, can result in sexual damage. The children can develop INSECURITY, they can have difficulty being ALONE, and they can have problems with individuating.
🌻If they are in the same room, DAMAGE can also come from the children hearing/seeing their parents making love. FEAR of the sexual act might enter in because they don’t know what they are hearing or seeing.
🌻Sometimes a family will just be CRUDE about sexual issues. Jokes will be told.
🌻Or sex is never discussed, affection is never shown. The general attitude is that sex is shameful and DIRTY. Sexual damage has occurred. In very religious homes, the child is confused and never feels comfortable expressing his sexuality as an ADULT.
🌻Sometimes we can be TEASED as children about various body parts. They are too small, too big, etc. Many times our body image has to be healed so we can feel comfortable EXPRESSING ourselves sexually.
🌻Becoming sexually ACTIVE at too young an age, creates sexual damage. Children are not emotionally equipped to handle what is happening to them. Their sexuality robs them of the freedom and innocence of their childhood. CONFUSION enters in and as they become adults, they have problems truly enjoying sex. On one hand they enjoy the physical pleasure but on a deeper emotional level, they are ANGRY at sex because of the robbery of their childhood.

Results of SEXUAL ABUSE.
Sexual ABUSE can cause frigidity, IMPOTENCE, premature ejaculation, fear of male or female body parts, PROMISCUITY, prostitution, HOMOSEXUALITY, homophobia, and so forth. It can lead to drug/alcohol ADDICTION, EATING disorders, SLEEP disorders, problems in MARRIAGE, and other PERSONALITY disorders.

Sexual wounds create within you a sense of POWERLESSNESS. This then results in:
🌼A loss of self-respect … “I’M flawed and I’M defective”.
🌼Fixation … we freeze in our development of our emotions. We then develop a pseudo-personality, and become double-minded.
This moves me then into a SHAME-base: ‘I am my wounds’, ‘I am my sin’, ‘I am a mistake.’
‘I have been so wounded, I have no security. The people I trusted could not take care of me and prevent this from happening — I now lose my trust in my world. We now doubt TRUTH and we fear knowledge.’

Credits – Amanda Buys

GOD’s Dream for MARRIAGE 2

CONSEQUENCES of Pre-Marital Intimacy.
If there was any kind of sexual behaviour BEFORE marriage, there will be MAJOR consequences in intimacy AFTER marriage.

🌹Sometimes within the first year of marriage, WIFE’s sexuality will WANE and HUBBY won’t understand and know WHY?

🌹Wife will LOSE her desire for intimacy over time … waiting for her husband to wonderfully and EMOTIONALLY bond, and prove that he LOVES her for who she is on the INSIDE. If this is the case, Hubby will HAVE to non-sexually woo Wife, even though they are married.

If he DOESN’T do this, WIFE will go through a DOWNWARD SPIRAL of withdrawing from INTIMACY … she will WITHDRAW, but then BOUNCE back for a time, as she is RELATIONSHIP oriented.

However, the WITHDRAWAL times will get longer as time goes by, and she will BOUNCE back less frequently … this will cause such CONFUSION and FRUSTRATION in the marriage.

HUBBY must WOO her NON-sexually by being AFFECTIONATE (hugs, cuddles) WITHOUT any sexual agendas or touches … Wife will have to know she is LOVED for WHO she IS.

Men, REALIZE that:
❤️Your wife does not need sex ALL THE TIME,
❤️She needs to be VALUED all the time.
❤️Your wife’s love-making starts in the MORNING when you get out of bed and what you SAY to her at the breakfast table.

HUSBAND, you are 90% SEXUALLY orientated, and only 10% EMOTIONALLY orientated.
While your wife is 90% EMOTIONALLY orientated, and only 10% SEXUALLY orientated.

A man was never meant to carry the EMOTIONAL load of a woman without the SEXUAL pay-offs … and a woman was never meant to carry the SEXUAL load of a man without the EMOTIONAL pay-offs.

Often, men are so REJECTED, they feel their SEXUALITY is the only way they can express their manhood, and the woman in their life feels USED, and the relationship STRUGGLES. Or, all MEN want to do is CONQUER, without BONDING and EMOTIONAL attachment — and the WOMAN becomes worth no more than her SEXUALITY.

If a husband would take 90 days and LEARN how to LOVE his wife NON-sexually, he would fulfill this area of LOVE (EMOTIONAL BONDING) that should have been laid in the building up stages of COURTSHIP. GOD created our computers to lead up to the final marriage COMMITMENT according to these STEPS. These steps of emotionally bonding CANNOT be ignored or skipped.

A woman’s COMPUTER — if she has been HONOURED, respected, and VALUED — automatically UNLOCKS, and at the marriage ceremony, she knows she is VALUED. All the PRELIMINARY work has been done … and in MARRIAGE, ongoing EMOTIONAL and SEXUAL bonding will build for a LIFETIME.
MEN, if you put the TIME in, you will reap a LIFETIME of life-giving and JOYFUL INTIMACY with your WIFE.

ADDICTIVE relationships.
When we move from the gift of ATTRACTION, and jump into SEXUALITY, we have set ourselves up for DEPENDENCY and CODEPENDENCY with no understanding at all. No foundation blocks were laid for a GODLY long term relationship.

AGAIN, the steps CANNOT be ignored or SKIPPED, or you will have to GO BACK and complete them. Please note that addictive relationships marry out of NEED, while healthy relationships marry out of CHOICE.

STEPS of friendship to MARRIAGE.

“With dating being a root of several divorces, how do I find my future mate,” you may wonder. Here is how…….

1. Gift of ATTRACTION
This is GOD‘s GIFT, for a PURPOSE. It is HIS Way of DRAWING human beings together for a PAIRING PROCESS.

It is to develop FRIENDSHIP, where they must make a CHOICE to pursue a LONG TERM relationship.
The ENEMY has MESSED with this GIFT. We are told …’ if it feels GOOD, just do it. Giving into these LIES and our LUST will cause such DAMAGE.
The couple will start feeling insecure, and wonder what could possibly be wrong! One feels they want the power over the other person and this goes back and forth, and the couple can’t figure out what is wrong. Why isn’t this working? Why am I so intensely possessive over the other person?

If there is intimacy before marriage, and the couple goes from GIFT of ATTRACTION to sexuality, they have BYPASSED every step in their subconscious COMPUTER that is needed to be laid down for a LIFE-GIVING long term relationship. And they will HAVE to go BACK and follow GOD’s way.

2. Friendship
We develop Godly friendships in FOUR progressive stages. We suggest you make a list of all your friends and place them in the category of where they should be.
A) Acquaintance
You learn their names and you recognize them  give them respect and dignity and move on. You are not looking towards a long-term relationship. Youre alert to each new person around you, and have a CHEERFUL countenance and smile. You ask appropriate questions, which reflect interest and acceptance, and you’re a good LISTENER.

B) Casual
You run across each other and from there you get enough information about them to find out if they need to stay in the casual group, or move to the close friends group. You discover their strong points, and learn about their hopes and desires for their lives.
At this point, you develop and ask appropriate specific questions. You show interest and concern, and let them share problems with you. Be honest about yourself without digging up the past. Reflect interest and trustworthiness in being their friend.

C) Close
You could have quite a number of close friends. You see potential for achievement in their lives, and discover and discuss the specific goals they have. You serve an interest in the development of their goals. You’re aware of conflicts which may hinder the development of these goals, but are creative and encourage them to develop and achieve.

D) Intimate
This is where you should not have more than FIVE intimate friends at any one given time. These are friends, that if you tell something to them, it does not come back and bite you in future. Before sharing our intimate secrets and pain you need to know which of your friends are true friends and support systems. We talk too much to too many people, too many times and then we feel betrayed and unworthy and start hating ourselves for not having the right judgment in picking friends.
As intimate friends, you are sensitive to traits and attitudes in each other, that need improvement  and you are committed to:
– Give comfort through trials and sorrows.
– Assume a personal concern for their reputation.
– Faithfulness, loyalty, and availability.

There is more to this in the next post……..

Credits- Amanda Buys

The ‘Dating Game’ vs. COVENANT.

As strange as it may sound, dating is part of the REASON why our DIVORCE rate is so high … how does dating help us practice for divorce?

Because we make a COMMITMENT or promises that are a form of COVENANT to another person … and then we BREAK them.

We have not learned how to WORK through problems and issues. Instead, we have learned to MOVE ON when there are problems. Our souls continue to seek after the EXCITEMENT of a new relationship and we may have problems with finding SATISFACTION in the attention of just ONE person.

Dating and sexual DESIRES.
Sexual desires can be satisfied WITHOUT intercourse, such as heavy-petting. This will always lead to WRONG sexual imprinting. Many teenagers use drugs and alcohol, which leads to a break down in self-control and creates an inability to say, “NO to sexual behaviour. Their sexuality is then imprinted with the feelings of alcohol and/or drugs. The consequence will be that when married, their sexuality will need to go with alcohol and/or drugs, in order to be satisfied.

Dating and STEALING.
Dating is DANGEROUS because it leads to robbery. GOD HATES stealing. If we take another person’s virginity, we have just ROBBED their future husband or wife. If we take a part of another person’s HEART and BREAK it, we have just ROBBED their future husband or wife. If we DAMAGE a person’s ability to TRUST, we have just ROBBED their future husband or wife and them. It can also ROB the purity and the SPECIALNESS of your wedding day and wedding night. Until we are ready to make a life time, being in love is just a LIE.

Just as GOD’s love for us has caused Him to make an EVERLASTING COVENANT with us, TRUE LOVE must be MATURE enough to enter into COVENANT.

BUT how can I have FUN if I dont DATE?
You can have fun by doing things in the SAFETY of a group.

BUT how will I ever find the RIGHT person if I don’t DATE?
You don’t have to. You can leave that job up to your earthly father … and ABBA FATHER. He will SPEAK to your heart and let you know, “This is the one I have CHOSEN for you. By getting the witness of your PARENTS, pastors, and other spiritual LEADERS, you protect yourself from making a MISTAKE that will affect the REST of your life.

There are a lot of WRONG reasons to get MARRIED … the ONLY right reason is because GOD has said, “This is the time and this is the one.

Wow”, you may say, but most of your questions will answered in the next few posts.🙂

Credits – Amanda Buys

Adultery, masturbation and sexual PERVERSION 5

Pornography: The New Narcotic By John Piper
Neurological research has revealed that the effect of internet pornography on the human brain is just as potent — if not more so — than addictive chemical substances such as cocaine or heroin.

To make matters worse, there are 1.9 million cocaine users, and 2 million heroin users, in the United States compared to 40 million regular users of online pornography. Here’s why the addictive power of pornography can be worse:

❇️Cocaine is considered a stimulant that increases dopamine levels in the brain. Dopamine is the primary neurotransmitter that most addictive substances release, as it causes a “high” and a subsequent craving for a repetition of the high, rather than a subsequent feeling of satisfaction by way of endorphins.

❇️Heroin, on the other hand, is an opiate, which has a relaxing effect. Both drugs trigger chemical tolerance, which requires higher quantities of the drug to be used each time to achieve the same intensity of effect.

❇️Pornography, by both being arousing (the “high” effect via dopamine) and causing an orgasm (the “release” effect via opiates), is a type of polydrug that triggers both types of addictive brain chemicals in one punch, enhancing its addictive propensity.

But, Bennett says, “internet pornography does more than just spike the level of dopamine in the brain for a pleasure sensation. It literally changes the physical matter within the brain so that new neurological pathways require pornographic material in order to trigger the desired reward sensation.”

Think of the brain as a forest where trails are worn down by hikers who walk along the same path over and over again, day after day. The exposure to pornographic images creates similar neural pathways that, over time, become more and more “well-paved” as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography. Those neurological pathways eventually become the trail in the brain’s forest by which sexual interactions are routed.

Thus, a pornography user has “unknowingly created a neurological circuit” that makes his or her default perspective toward sexual matters ruled by the norms and expectations of pornography.

Not only do these addictive pathways cause us to filter all sexual stimulation through the pornographic filter; they awaken craving for “more novel pornographic content like more taboo sexual acts, child pornography, or sadomasochistic pornography.” And it gets worse:

Another aspect of pornography addiction that surpasses the addictive and harmful characteristics of chemical substance abuse is its permanence. While substances can be metabolized out of the body, pornographic images cannot be metabolized out of the brain because pornographic images are stored in the brain’s memory.

“In sum,” Bennett writes, “brain research confirms the critical fact that pornography is a drug delivery system that has a distinct and powerful effect upon the human brain and nervous system.”

None of this takes GOD by surprise. He designed the interplay between the brain and the soul. Discoveries of physical dimensions to spiritual reality do not nullify spiritual reality.

When Jesus said, “I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28), He saw with crystal clarity — the way a designer sees his invention — that the physical eye had profound effects on the spiritual “heart.”

And when the Old Testament wise man said in Proverbs 23:7, literally, “As he thinks in his soul, so is he,” he saw with similar clarity that soul acts create being. Thinking in the soul corresponds to “is”. And this “is” includes the body.

In other words, it goes both ways. Physical reality affects the heart. And the heart affects physical reality (the brain). Therefore, this horrific news from brain research about the enslaving power of pornography is not the last word. GOD has the last word. The Holy Spirit has the greatest power. We are not mere victims of our eyes and our brains, as evidenced from both Scripture and experience.

We are blessed to have a Father that knew the craftiness of the enemy before He created us, Hallelujah

Credits – Amanda Buys

Adultery, ponography and sexual PERVERSION 4

Impaired Judgment
According to neuropsychologist Dr. Tim Jennings, “When you have premarital sex, your reward circuitry is bonded to them now, and it will be much deeper and hurtful.”

“Oftentimes, in breakups of people who’ve been sexually active, they can’t tolerate the sense of emptiness, so they rush into another relationship. The neuro circuits did not have time to reset, and so they’re impaired in their ability to bond with the next person, and they may become sexually active with them. This is just a repetitive cycle, and there are real impairments in bonding going on.”

Becoming Bonded With Porn
These same neurochemicals are present when viewing pornography. A man will become bonded with whatever he is engaged in during the moment these chemicals are released. When your relationship is being carried on with an image, you become bonded to whatever you’re viewing.

Dr. Doug Weiss, a marriage counselor, advises men to have eye contact with their wives during sex because they become bonded with that person. By doing this, he explains that, over time, individuals will decrease the “neural pathway to pornography and sexually inappropriate thoughts and beliefs and glue to healthy sexuality to [their] wife. When your brain thinks sex, it thinks, ‘Where’s my wife?’ And that is a great way to fight this battle.”

Discovering how our minds were designed to operate by a magnificent Creator reveals truth in the way we are to live.

Cycle of Sexual Sin
For someone viewing porn, one of the functions of oxytocin is to separate the experience and the excitement from the intensity of the shame. According to neuropsychologist Dr. Jes Montgomery, “Usually by the time they turn the computer off, they are already sinking into a sense of failure and shame, and the function of oxytocin is to tell the brain, ‘Wait a minute. You don’t want to remember that. You want to hold on to this excitement and this amazing magic that you just experienced.’”

Knowing how these neurochemicals interact and change the brain help us understand why sex is meant to be kept within the boundaries of marriage.

You see the overtones here about GOD’s Design for His Pure Temple. This is another reason why the devil attacks our sexuality so much — because in attacking human sexuality, it actually interferes with human bonding.

So, for those practicing sex outside of marriage, they are creating a bond with their partner, thus inhibiting their discernment of whether they should remain in that relationship. GOD wired and designed our brains for a specific purpose: to bond ourselves with the person we marry.

It’s never too late to re-wire yourself if you know you’ve erred. It’s the best gift you’ll give to your spouse and family. We can onl6 re-wire ourselves by understanding who we are in Christ; through His Word.

Credits – Amanda Buys