RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 34 – Help, I am married to a sex addict! cont’d


Picking up from the previous post……….

One of the hardest things to do is to separate love from the addiction. Yes, your husband can still love you and yet be addicted to pornography. My daughters loved me, but they were still addicted to alcohol and drugs.

However, the addiction keeps them from demonstrating the love in a healthy manner and at times their addiction may even take a higher priority.

However, we can’t say, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do this.” No, if they were not addicted, they wouldn’t do it. We have to support them as they walk through their recovery.

They also need our spiritual warfare. We need to direct our anger towards the spirit realm, to spirits of lust, pornography, masturbation, adultery, perversion, etc. If you do not understand spiritual warfare, it is important that you find information on it.

You need to be equipped. You are in a war whether you like it or not. You must know your authority as a believer. You must learn the weapons of your warfare. The Word of God says that you own your spouse’s body. You are one. You must begin to take dominion over what God has given you.

Spiritual warfare also helps you not to feel so helpless and hopeless. There really is something you can do to help. Again, you can’t do all of it. The addict has to make right choices but your prayers can sure help!

I realize that this is much easier said than done but you cannot let their addiction affect your self-image. It is not what you lack that has caused the problem; it is what they are. I know of beautiful women with lovely personalities who have husbands addicted to pornography.

You are not the problem. Don’t allow their addiction to affect your self-worth. You are not crazy. It is not your fault. Their addiction issues are usually rooted in childhood issues that were there long before you came along.

Make sure you take care of yourself, exercise and eat properly. Neglecting yourself will not solve the problem. Be careful of becoming jealous and obsessive; always wondering what he is doing, is he looking at someone, where has he been. It can begin to rule your life.

You must trust the Lord to give you discernment when things are out of order. Until then go on with your life. Pray that all things will be exposed. They will be. God is faithful. The Word of God tells us that a man who covers his sin will not prosper. God wants sin uncovered.

Another cycle often takes place with addictions that you need to be aware of because it can affect you. Often while the addiction is happening, the spouse will be very supportive. They will hold everything together and believe for healing, however, when recovery truly starts, that is when they let loose.

Their true anger comes to the surface, they begin to fall apart and now they are resentful for all the years when there was no healing. The addict is bewildered. Now is when they think their spouse is going to throw a party, strike up the band and have a parade in their honor.

But they just want to kill them and punish them for the past. Actually, this is part of recovery. However, some people get stuck in this mode. You can’t stay there. You have to work through the anger, the resentment, regret and bitterness. The addict must realize this is part of the process or they will throw in the towel and say, “It doesn’t matter what I do, she is never happy.”

Eventually, if continual progress is made, the addict stays clean, the spouse gets over being mad, the family learns new ways of interacting and they can live happily ever after. Now all that can be said in one sentence but in reality, it can take years to walk out. I will not lie to you and tell you it will all be easy.

It won’t be. There will be heart aches, disappointments, ups and downs but there can also be great victories, a closer relationship with the Lord and a restored marriage and family.

🙂Make sure the addiction doesn’t consume you. It is already consuming one family member. Have fun, enjoy your family. Don’t allow the addiction to rob these years of your life.

🙂Don’t be ashamed, there are a lot of women dealing with the same issues. They could be sitting right next to you in church. Reach out for help.

🙂Educate yourself. If necessary find a good support group. If there’s not one in your area that just deals with sexual issues, join one that supports recovery of any sort. It will still help.

🙂Make sure you stay close to God. Don’t get mad at Him. He is not the problem. He wants your husband free even more than you do. He died for it.

🙂Learn more about co-dependency. Set healthy boundaries in all areas of your life.

🙂You may not only have to forgive your husband but any other women involved as well. Don’t become his Holy Ghost, let the Lord convict him of his sinfulness.

🙂Use wisdom in who you open up to. Make sure they can keep confidence. You will not help his shame level if he’s not sure who you have told. Once recovery is complete, his shame will turn to testimony of God’s grace.

🙂Keep a journal. It will help you get out your emotions. It’s also a good way to see progress when you get too close to the situation.

AND FINALLY, DON’T BLAME YOURSELF!
Assignment

Write down your feelings related to your spouse’s sexual addiction.
Write down your fears on setting boundaries in the relationship.
What areas of co dependency do you see in your own life? How do you cover up for or enable your spouse?
The journey is definitely not easy, but staying on course is the on,y thing that will yield you results.

Credits – Amanda Buys

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