RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 32 – Help! I’m Married to a Sex Addict!


Once again, I am going to use the most common scenario which is the wife married to the sex addict. However, it can be the other way around. But for convenience sake, I will illustrate it with the husband as the sex addict, just as I did with the wife as the sexual abuse victim in posts past.

As with any addiction, the spouse and family are also affected. The addict’s behaviours, priorities, moodiness, etc. affect the whole family. When they are going through their cycle, they tend to take the whole family with them. That is why it is important for the spouse to understand co-dependency.

When we are co-dependant, we enable.
What does that mean?
It means we help them to stay addicted. We cover up consequences for them. We live in denial with them. We won’t ask questions, because we don’t really want the answers.

We keep the code of secrecy about their sin. We make excuses for them. We won’t confront. We won’t require them to get help. We allow them to stay addicted and crippled.

The Lord gave me a good illustration of co-dependency with my daughters when they were dealing with drug and alcohol addiction. He gave me a picture of myself getting into a car on a rollercoaster right behind them. As they went up and down, so did I.

When they went this way or that way, so did I. I saw myself getting out of the car and standing at the bottom of the roller coaster waving. Hi, I love you. I’m here for you. I’ll be here when you get done riding. I just don’t have the stomach for it any more.

We don’t have to leave the amusement park and totally break off relationship, we just don’t have to ride any more. Whenever I would feel myself getting hooked in to their moods or up and downs, I would simply get a picture of myself standing by the rollercoaster waving. It would always bring me back to a place of peace. You have to learn how to stand and wave.

Sexual addiction is very difficult for a wife to deal with because it feels so personal. It feels like if you were doing your part sexually, they would not need outside sexual satisfaction. Many times, the addict will tell you that very thing. It’s a lie. Addicts are great at blame shifting. They have difficulty taking responsibility. It is one of their symptoms. So it has to be your fault. I’m here to tell you, IT’S NOT!

It is okay to allow the Lord to examine you or to have someone speak in to your life in this area. If there is something that needs changing, then work on making the change. Outside of that, don’t buy in to their blame shifting. Women often have a great sense of discernment in this area. Sometimes the Lord will even give them dreams.

It is important to know the difference between a God given dream and one that just creates harassment, jealousy and torment. Often because of denial, the addict will try to make the spouse feel guilty or crazy for their concerns.

They may feel their husbands looking at other women; they may sense that they really weren’t at work that long; they may feel like they are involved with another woman. Until the addict is ready to face their addictions, they will deny any of those red flags of discernment that their spouse receives.

Many times when sexual addiction is finally uncovered, it brings a sense of relief to the wife – I’m not crazy, I knew something wasn’t right, that’s where all the money was going. Behaviours start making sense.

After the relief, then they have to deal with the reality – They are married to a sex addict. At that point consequences and boundaries need to be dealt with which is often very difficult.
⭕️I’m angry, but if I reject him will it just get worse?
⭕️I don’t want him to even touch me but he says if I’m not there for him, he won’t be able to get through this.

Important decisions that need the wisdom of the Lord need to be made at this point.

In our society, some are made for us. If they are acting out in situations that can cause AIDS or other sexually transmitted diseases, your answer should be abstinence until the addiction is brought under control. You need to be able to regain trust that if they do act out, they will tell you and understand the consequences. Many times blood tests need to be taken before sexual activity is resumed.

This journey is never too easy but with the help of the Holy Spirit, we can overcome.

Credits – Amanda Buys

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One thought on “RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 32 – Help! I’m Married to a Sex Addict!

  1. The question still lingers. What really is Sexual addiction. In what dose will we measure it. Cos I think it is very relative. To a wife a Sexual addict may be just normal to another normal Sexual activity of a man may be interpreted as Sexual addiction by another woman.

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