RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 33 – Help, I am married to a sex addict! cont’d


Moving on…….

Trust and forgiveness are two different issues that the addict likes to combine. If you have forgiven me, why don’t you believe me? If you have forgiven me, why don’t you believe me when I tell you why I am late? If you have forgiven me, why do you still question me?

Forgiveness and trust are two different issues.

Forgiveness simply opens the door for trust to be rebuilt. Trust must be built over time. It can take a short time or a long time depending upon the damage, depending upon the addict’s behaviour and your own ability to trust.

The addict must take responsibility for building back the trust that they violated.

The addict’s behaviour pattern always includes secrecy, denial, outright lies, justification, rationalization, minimizing, deception, blame shifting, etc. All of these behaviours violate trust. It is their job to earn it back while it is your job to forgive and allow the process.

However, during the process, it is okay to establish boundaries. It is okay to ask for accountability. Remember there is a difference in nagging and getting a progress report. You should also have the right to get an honest report from their accountability partner.

At times if the acting out continues, the spouse may have to set the boundary of abstinence.

It forces the addict to make a decision for sexual activity within the covenant of marriage or sexual activity outside the boundaries of marriage. They are no longer able to have the benefits of both. This may be very difficult for the wife to do.

She also has emotional and physical needs that she has to lay down. Often, it will create anger in the husband. He will accuse her of not loving him and trying to control him. Only when he gets free of the addiction and the roots of addiction will he see her love and how she stood with him. Sometimes we have to stand in love while saying “no”.

At times even separation must be necessary for a man to finally hit bottom. God will lead and guide you in those decisions if you will allow Him. Don’t make hasty, emotional decisions that you will later regret. Take time, make prayerful decisions and receive Godly counsel. The Word of God tells us that there is safety in the multitude of counselors.

I had to stand with my daughters in my love for them while saying, “No, I can’t give you any money. No, you can’t bring that in the house. No, I can’t do that for you.” God loves us but only through our obedience are we in agreement with Him who allows us to receive His support and blessing. He loves us with an everlasting love, but He refuses to bless our disobedience and sin.

❇️The spouse will need a support partner or a support group to help her with her emotional needs and to help educate her concerning sexual addictions. She will also need the love and support of family and friends as she grieves over her marriage.

❇️Sometimes people can be well meaning but offer lousy advice. On one hand, she may have friends encouraging her to just leave him and on the other, a church member may be telling her she just has to forgive and turn the other cheek.

It’s best to just offer loving support without a lot of counsel when it is not our place to bring that advice.

Let pastoral authority or their support partner or support group leader bring counsel in those areas. They have the experience, you don’t. Plus you may not even know the whole story.

❇️Sometimes it is best to just keep quiet. They may need a shoulder to cry on or just a friend to go shopping with and not a ‘Dear Abby’ advice column from you. Unless you feel God prompting you to speak in to the situation, just be still concerning offering direction and advice.

Credits – Amanda Buys

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