RESTORING YOUR SEXUALITY 11 – Help! I’m Married to a Sexual Abuse Victim! Cont’d…


Continuing…….

Frigidity is an example of walls. Nothing can come in. Promiscuity is an example of noboundaries, anything can come in. The ability to have healthy boundaries must be restored for the sexual abuse victim.

When a husband demands sex whenever he wants because his wife has to submit to him, he is retriggering the violation she received as a child. She was unable to tell her father “no “.

Now the situation is being recreated. Their sexual relationship gets more and more painful. It triggers an eating disorder, she becomes suicidal. He is mad at her for not responding to him sexually. Yet, in the sexual environment he has created, it is impossible for her to find comfort and restoration.

I always tell people who are married to sexual abuse victims, “You have to face the fact that the person you married is damaged.

Now you have the choice;

🔶You can help them walk through healing and restoration with love and grace

🔶or you can be mad at them for being damaged.

It will take patience, understanding, the wisdom of God, and sacrifice on your part but you must face the fact that you do have a part in their healing.

You can re-wind them or help create a safe environment for them to be healed in.

✅Another area that is broken in a child as a result of sexual abuse is “basic trust”. This is a foundation that is laid in a child from birth to adolescence. When a baby cries because he’s hungry and is fed, basic trust is established.

When daddy says he’s going to do something and he does, basic trust is established. When we get hurt or sick and mommy takes care of us, basic trust is established. You get the picture. Other areas of abuse can also break down basic trust.

Basic trust creates the ability in us to have relationship, communication and intimacy, to be able to submit to authority, and to relax.

When basic trust has been broken, people are afraid to need anyone. The fear is if they let themselves need someone, they won’t be there for them and that’s just too painful.

They won’t reach out for help. They don’t allow anyone to really get to know them. They have difficulty submitting to anyone even God. At the root of most rebellion issues, lies a problem with basic trust.

They are hyper vigilant; they can never relax; they have to be in control; because if they don’t take care of themselves, who will? Basic trust has to be restored by the Lord but often He also uses people on earth to help.

It takes unconditional love and being there for people in order to help their basic trust to be restored.

So what does all that mean to someone married to a sexual abuse victim.

⛔️First of all, you have to allow them room to have their “no” restored. Many times at this point I see a look of pure terror on the husband’s face.

What they are thinking at this point is, “I may never have sex again.” I have never found that to be the case. Whenever a husband lovingly gives his wife the permission to say “no” without any pressure sexually from him, he immediately opens up her heart. Inside she says, “Really, no one has ever given that to me before.”

Now at the same time, she must be receiving some ministry and healing which is also changing her. She can’t just say, “Good, I never have to have sex again.” She has to accept her sexual life with her husband as a gift from God that she needs to learn how to receive.

Many times women who may have not been sexually abused but sexually pressured all of their lives do not even know what it is like to “give” themselves to a man. They always feel “taken “.

It creates resentment and an inability to fully participate in the sexual act. Men need to learn to treat women emotionally in a way that they desire to give themselves to the man. That is when they will both experience the greatest sexual fulfillment.

I can see many of us opening our eyes wide, but yes, we need to face reality if we are to heal.

Let’s continue with this in the next post…..

Credits – Amanda Buys

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